I love those moments of clarity that smack you with the force of a fly swatter.
For the past three years, I have been struggling with the loss of my daughters from my daily life. I’m not sure that struggle is the best description for the profound sadness that I have experienced, constantly, over the last thirty six months. The sadness ran tandum with every other emotion that I felt; happy, excited, stressed but always sad. And it’s not as if I haven’t been busy! I remodelled our farmhouse. I designed a new Italian restaurant menu. I helped open the new restaurant. I have continued to live my life as I always have but in a vacuous longing space.
I miss my girls. I miss our family busyness. The fun that happens when the five of us are together is golden to me. Allowing myself to be happy without their magic – well that’s been the problem – I’ve not really made any attempt to be completely happy without them. Maybe I thought that if I didn’t accept the fact that they are no longer living in Saint John, miraculously they would return. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s the only explanation that I can come up with for my insistence on being miserable.
Yesterday afternoon, after five gruelling hours in the hot sun laying fresh Kentucky blue grass sod around our new patio, Ralph and I headed out on the river. The day was spectacular. Lazy clouds, warm winds and flat water. We love to putt along the Saint John river admiring all of the beautiful farmland . It is truly one of the most stunning river valleys in the world.
The beauty surrounding us calmed me enough to finally understand how precious this time in my life is. I have raised three strong women who are blazing into their lives like lightening bolts. Our parents are happy and well. I still have a crush on my husband. I have a blessed life.
Peacefully and gratefully, I let the sadness go. I felt it leave as completely as it had descended upon me.
I will always miss my life when the girls lived at home but the life I am living is just as full, just as lovely. It’s just different.
I chose to be sad. Now, I choose to celebrate…
And I started with a fresh raspberry pie!
Follow the recipe from my link for the pastry.
For the filling I used:
5 cups fresh raspberries
2 cups white sugar
1/3 cup flour
Toss the sugar and flour together
Prepare the crust following the directions from my link
Shape the pastry
Sprinkle 1/2 cup of the sugar mixture into the empty pie shell then fill with the raspberries.
Pour remaining sugar mixture over raspberries.
Top with crust, crimp, trim and brush it with a wash of 1 egg mixed well with 1 tablespoon of whipping cream. Make steam vents in pastry top.
Sprinkle top with sanding sugar.
Bake at 450*F 15 minutes
Reduce oven temperature to 350*F
Continue baking 45 minutes until crust is golden and fruit is bubbly.
I served my pie with homemade peach ice cream.
Thanks for reading.